Thursday, March 12, 2009

ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Local Killer Partial To Tea

A severed human head was found in a Denny's dumpster last night.

Police were initially cagey about the details of this case, then buckled under pressure and revealed the gruesome details during a press conference in the early hours of this morning.

"The head had been fashioned in the style of a kettle," said a visibly drawn Detective Inspector Frank McDonagh. "The nose had been transformed into a crude metal spout and a handle was bolted to the back of the head. The brains had been scooped out and we discovered traces of tea leaves inside the skull. We believe that the killer may have had a cup of tea, using the head, before dumping it".

The victim has yet to be named, nor his body found.

"We're bracing ourselves for the remaining body parts to have been similarly converted into handy utensils," admitted McDonagh, sparking up his latest Winchester Light with the tip of his last. "Perhaps the legs might turn up as hollowed-out golf club holders, for instance."

Saturday, February 28, 2009

KALGOORLIE, W. AUSTRALIA: Human Brain's Bloody Rampage

Drinkers scattered from Hoon's Bar in this remote town Tuesday night, when Barry 'Bazza' Haines' brain burst out the top of his head, grew a pair of short, stubby legs and proceeded to cause havoc.

Recalls shaken barman Dobby Dunn: "I'd just given Bazza his twenty-eighth beer, according to the till receipts. Maybe all that drinking finally took its toll. His bloody brain was sick of it".

Before being captured and forcibly restrained by local police, Haines' brain managed a good ten minutes of charging around Kalgoorlie, taking flying kicks at small childen and 'brain-butting' old ladies. It also twisted the paws off a cat named Lucky.

Haines himself is being maintained in hospital, while doctors decide whether to reinstate his rowdy cerebellum.

"We all went down to see him last night," says barman Dunn. "He was laughing and joking, no different from normal, the stupid goose."

Friday, February 20, 2009

CAIRO, EGYPT: Man Eaten By Omelette

Cries of "Ohhhhhh!", "My God!" and "Shit!" rang out in the streets of Cairo this morning, when market trader Sahid Omar was eaten by the very food his customers used to love.

Our incredible picture shows Mr Omar happily preparing his latest masterpiece, mere seconds before the tragedy.

"There was the smell of cinnamon," recalls Louisiana tourist Michael Balls, "Which to me is a sign of evil. And sure enough, the guy's hand suddenly got sucked down into the omelette mixture he was preparing. When his shoulders and head followed suit, I'm not afraid to say I was shrieking my head off."

Chaos ensued as Mr Omar's pointy shoes finally vanished into the mixture. The 666 O'Clock News understands that Omar's wife has blamed a local supplies company for delivering bad eggs.

Monday, February 16, 2009

DUBLIN, IE: "I Didn't Vomit Porn," Insists Priest

A funeral at St Margaret's Church was thrown into controversial uproar Wednesday afternoon, when the officiating priest ran into physical difficulties.

Father Ronald O'Shea, 76, paused mid-way through a sermon for over 270 mourners, and bent double. Onlookers recall an "intense silence" as he began to cough violently, clutching his stomach.

Two mourners approached to assist, then recoiled as saliva-coated magazine pages emerged from the holy man's mouth.

"We were only three feet away," says would-be helper Patrick Brannigan. "It became immediately apparent that these were pages from a pornographic title."

Brannigan estimates that "around 20 whole magazines" hit the church floor, but were then quickly swept away by choirboys.

O'Shea later furiously denied that he had regurgitated indecent material. Accuser Brannigan was, however, publicly backed by many mourners - including 82-year-old Dolores Finlay, who had been sitting three rows from the front. "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be," she noted, "but I could clearly see a swollen glans on one of those pages."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

SEATTLE, WA: Scientist Creates Transparent Darkness

Donald Weinard, a rookie scientist, claims to have made a remarkable breakthrough in the field of light technology.

"It's a darkness that you can see through," he told fellow boffins at the recent Seattle Science Convention. "No longer will anyone need torches or similar light sources. August 2003's New York powercut would have been no problem if the city had been fitted with this stuff."

Greeted by a sea of sceptical faces, Weinard allowed 10 audience members 'backstage', to a special room he had set up.

Professor Hayden Auberge was among them. He tells The 666 O'Clock News: "We stood in this totally empty room, looking at Weinard for some time. To break the awkward silence, someone asked Weinard when he was going to demonstrate his so-called invention. He just grinned, looked around and said, 'I'm demonstrating it right now. This, gentlemen, is see-through darkness'. I immediately branded Weinard a fucknut."

While most of the scientists followed Auberge in disgustedly walking out, one stayed behind and is now working on the project with Weinard. The pair hope to have it on the market by 2012, with the tentative brand name Anti-Gloom.

We contacted Justin Hawkins, frontman with rockers The Darkness, for a quote. He patiently explained that The Darkness split years back, and that he now leads the band Hot Leg.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

GREENSBORO, NC: McDowell Stalked By Fruit

Actor Malcolm McDowell is being terrorised by an assortment of mechanical fruit - and he fears the worst is yet to come.

While McDowell himself has refused to discuss the campaign of fear orchestrated against him, his neighbour is unscrupulous. "When the first fruit appeared," he told The 666 O'Clock News, while pocketing the bucks, "Malc was in his back yard. It was an apple that kinda trundled in his general direction. He screamed and begged me for help. I tossed the guy a sledgehammer and he pulped it."

Matters returned to normal until the next day, when a wind-up banana appeared in McDowell's study. This time, he called the police, fearing it was a bomb.

Local detective Mark Mason told us: "Someone clearly holds a grudge against Mr McDowell. We need to know if anyone in the area looks suspicious while purchasing either fruit or mechanical parts."

So far, a grand total of seven fruit items have infiltrated McDowell's property. Says Mason: "We have realised they are appearing in alphabetical order. The last was a mango. Mr McDowell is understandably concerned about what might happen when we get to 'O'."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

BEIJING, CHINA: Exploding Monk Showers Crowd

Death swooped on China's capital city last night, when a monk broke his 15-year meditation in a deadly fashion.

Min Padgea had sat cross-legged in Kung Po Church for a decade and a half, in protest at the government's banning of pencil cases in schools. He had attracted a loyal horde of fans, some of whom were barely born when he commenced his ordeal.

Yet at 7.06pm last night, Padgea exploded, sending over 2000 inch-long pins hurtling towards anyone in the immediate vicinity.

Eleven people were killed instantly, while another three were cured of ills when the pins miraculously hit acupuncture-friendly spots.

Local detective Chow Yun Phat told us: "This is a terrible, terrible incident for those who died and also very mysterious. Our anagram expert Ram Gana has realised, however, that Min's name can be rearranged to spell 'pin damage'. A lot of people are kicking themselves in our office, let me tell you."

Thursday, January 29, 2009

NEW YORK/LUXOR: Woman Dreams Camel Is Dreaming About Her

New York lawyer Georgina Schpelt claims to have established a psychic link with a camel on the other side of the world.

On the night of December 29, Schpelt dreamt that a camel named Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle was dreaming about her.

"I awoke in a cold sweat," she recalls. "It all seemed very important. I knew I had to find that camel as soon as possible."

Sure enough, the next morning Schpelt called off all her meetings and rode a plane from JFK to Luxor, Egypt. "It was as though I wasn't in control of my own movements," she whispers. "I was being guided".

Within two hours, Schpelt located a camel called Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle, whose master was selling 10-minute rides to small children. She claims that the beast's eyes widened as she approached.

"We just stared at each other for what seemed like forever," she purrs. "I told his master that we had dreamt about each other last night, but he didn't understand."

That night in her hotel, Schpelt dreamt that Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle was dreaming that she was dreaming that he was dreaming about their meeting earlier that day.

"I woke up at 4am," she mewls, "and knew what I had to do. I got dressed, went down to the city camel compound and found Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle. Luckily for me, camel fucking isn't illegal in Luxor."

Our reporter told Schpelt that this was not the case at all, then made his excuses and left. Our dossier is available to authorities.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

WORLDWIDE: Backgammon Banned

The increasingly obscure boardgame Backgammon has been banned altogether, following an extraordinary agreement between the world's governments.

The United Nations kick-started the process of outlawing the baffling game, on grounds that it was actually a portal to another world.

"Our agents have been working on this conclusion for several years now," says Senator Ted Rushmore. "Backgammon has been involved in many cases which saw people either losing their minds, vanishing or bleeding from the legs."

Rushmore adds that backgammon boards were "actually oujja boards. If you peel off the innocent-looking top section of the game, it will reveal the alphabet, the 'yes', the 'no' and all of that stuff."

Not that owners of the game have long to investigate it. In the States, President Barack Obama has announced a Backgammon Amnesty, which will run until Halloween.

To find your local Amnesty Centre, dial 1-800-GIVE-IT-BACKGAMMON. After October 31, anyone found with the game in their home will be shot in their left eye.

"This may seem harsh," allowed Obama in a White House speech this morning, "but what would you rather have - your home infested by demons, or one eye? Actually, you don't need to have either. Come on, hand it back. The game was bullshit anyway."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

PHOENIX, AZ: Missing Anus Panic

Sheriff John Flanders checked himself into hospital Wednesday, telling alarmed medics that his anus had disappeared.

The 54-year-old law enforcer was negotiating with an armed kidnapper when he "suddenly realised my asshole wasn't there".

A clearly shaken Doctor Casey Hardwick at the Betsy Sherringham Hospital told reporters: "It's the strangest case we've ever encountered. Now, fellas, this is obviously a delicate matter, and I don't want to go into specifics. But Sheriff Flanders' anus does indeed seem to have vanished completely. All that remains is a small, puckered hole."

Naturally, The 666 O'Clock News will bring you the latest on the hunt for the skidaddled sphincter.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

WORLDWIDE: Alphabet Attacked

The English alphabet was demonically hacked last night, according to sheepish FBI officials.

For a total of three minutes, the letter 'S' was replaced with the Devil's smiling face.

"I was teaching a night college class in Manhattan for Japanese students," says Professor Albert Jacks, "and happened to be dealing with the letter 'S'. I was horrified when I tried to write it on the blackboard and was instead compelled to draw the grinning head of Beelzebub. I was mortified."

Advertising billboards startled pedestrians and motorists worldwide, leading to 2787 collisions, 1652 lamp-post prangs and an estimated five million cases of bewilderment.

Friday, January 2, 2009

LONDON, UK: Blaine's Catty Comeback

Endurance-testing entertainer David Blaine appeared in a box suspended by London's Tower Bridge last night - a full six years after he originally performed the stunt.

The British capital's officials were said to be "highly confused", as they had not discussed a reprise of the stunt with the eccentric magician.

Less than 2 hours after Blaine's box appeared in the London sky, however, he seemingly vanished again. Onlookers squealed with delight, thinking it was all part of the trickery. Yet a police helicopter was able to see that the box now only contained a black and white cat.

An hour passed, with authorities unsure of what to do. Then the cat/Blaine leapt through the box's north-facing wall, without breaking it, and landed nimbly on the ground.

Crowds scattered as trained police officers picked up the nonchalant animal.

Blaine's manager Marcie Christ told The 666 O'Clock News: "To be honest with you, this is not a public appearance I had anticipated. David did not discuss this with me at all. It's very strange. All we can do is feed the cat and wait."