Thursday, January 29, 2009

NEW YORK/LUXOR: Woman Dreams Camel Is Dreaming About Her

New York lawyer Georgina Schpelt claims to have established a psychic link with a camel on the other side of the world.

On the night of December 29, Schpelt dreamt that a camel named Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle was dreaming about her.

"I awoke in a cold sweat," she recalls. "It all seemed very important. I knew I had to find that camel as soon as possible."

Sure enough, the next morning Schpelt called off all her meetings and rode a plane from JFK to Luxor, Egypt. "It was as though I wasn't in control of my own movements," she whispers. "I was being guided".

Within two hours, Schpelt located a camel called Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle, whose master was selling 10-minute rides to small children. She claims that the beast's eyes widened as she approached.

"We just stared at each other for what seemed like forever," she purrs. "I told his master that we had dreamt about each other last night, but he didn't understand."

That night in her hotel, Schpelt dreamt that Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle was dreaming that she was dreaming that he was dreaming about their meeting earlier that day.

"I woke up at 4am," she mewls, "and knew what I had to do. I got dressed, went down to the city camel compound and found Hi-Diddle Ho-Diddle. Luckily for me, camel fucking isn't illegal in Luxor."

Our reporter told Schpelt that this was not the case at all, then made his excuses and left. Our dossier is available to authorities.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

WORLDWIDE: Backgammon Banned

The increasingly obscure boardgame Backgammon has been banned altogether, following an extraordinary agreement between the world's governments.

The United Nations kick-started the process of outlawing the baffling game, on grounds that it was actually a portal to another world.

"Our agents have been working on this conclusion for several years now," says Senator Ted Rushmore. "Backgammon has been involved in many cases which saw people either losing their minds, vanishing or bleeding from the legs."

Rushmore adds that backgammon boards were "actually oujja boards. If you peel off the innocent-looking top section of the game, it will reveal the alphabet, the 'yes', the 'no' and all of that stuff."

Not that owners of the game have long to investigate it. In the States, President Barack Obama has announced a Backgammon Amnesty, which will run until Halloween.

To find your local Amnesty Centre, dial 1-800-GIVE-IT-BACKGAMMON. After October 31, anyone found with the game in their home will be shot in their left eye.

"This may seem harsh," allowed Obama in a White House speech this morning, "but what would you rather have - your home infested by demons, or one eye? Actually, you don't need to have either. Come on, hand it back. The game was bullshit anyway."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

PHOENIX, AZ: Missing Anus Panic

Sheriff John Flanders checked himself into hospital Wednesday, telling alarmed medics that his anus had disappeared.

The 54-year-old law enforcer was negotiating with an armed kidnapper when he "suddenly realised my asshole wasn't there".

A clearly shaken Doctor Casey Hardwick at the Betsy Sherringham Hospital told reporters: "It's the strangest case we've ever encountered. Now, fellas, this is obviously a delicate matter, and I don't want to go into specifics. But Sheriff Flanders' anus does indeed seem to have vanished completely. All that remains is a small, puckered hole."

Naturally, The 666 O'Clock News will bring you the latest on the hunt for the skidaddled sphincter.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

WORLDWIDE: Alphabet Attacked

The English alphabet was demonically hacked last night, according to sheepish FBI officials.

For a total of three minutes, the letter 'S' was replaced with the Devil's smiling face.

"I was teaching a night college class in Manhattan for Japanese students," says Professor Albert Jacks, "and happened to be dealing with the letter 'S'. I was horrified when I tried to write it on the blackboard and was instead compelled to draw the grinning head of Beelzebub. I was mortified."

Advertising billboards startled pedestrians and motorists worldwide, leading to 2787 collisions, 1652 lamp-post prangs and an estimated five million cases of bewilderment.

Friday, January 2, 2009

LONDON, UK: Blaine's Catty Comeback

Endurance-testing entertainer David Blaine appeared in a box suspended by London's Tower Bridge last night - a full six years after he originally performed the stunt.

The British capital's officials were said to be "highly confused", as they had not discussed a reprise of the stunt with the eccentric magician.

Less than 2 hours after Blaine's box appeared in the London sky, however, he seemingly vanished again. Onlookers squealed with delight, thinking it was all part of the trickery. Yet a police helicopter was able to see that the box now only contained a black and white cat.

An hour passed, with authorities unsure of what to do. Then the cat/Blaine leapt through the box's north-facing wall, without breaking it, and landed nimbly on the ground.

Crowds scattered as trained police officers picked up the nonchalant animal.

Blaine's manager Marcie Christ told The 666 O'Clock News: "To be honest with you, this is not a public appearance I had anticipated. David did not discuss this with me at all. It's very strange. All we can do is feed the cat and wait."