The 54-year-old law enforcer was negotiating with an armed kidnapper when he "suddenly realised my asshole wasn't there".
A clearly shaken Doctor Casey Hardwick at the Betsy Sherringham Hospital told reporters: "It's the strangest case we've ever encountered. Now, fellas, this is obviously a delicate matter, and I don't want to go into specifics. But Sheriff Flanders' anus does indeed seem to have vanished completely. All that remains is a small, puckered hole."
Naturally, The 666 O'Clock News will bring you the latest on the hunt for the skidaddled sphincter.