Thursday, March 12, 2009

ORANGE COUNTY, CA: Local Killer Partial To Tea

A severed human head was found in a Denny's dumpster last night.

Police were initially cagey about the details of this case, then buckled under pressure and revealed the gruesome details during a press conference in the early hours of this morning.

"The head had been fashioned in the style of a kettle," said a visibly drawn Detective Inspector Frank McDonagh. "The nose had been transformed into a crude metal spout and a handle was bolted to the back of the head. The brains had been scooped out and we discovered traces of tea leaves inside the skull. We believe that the killer may have had a cup of tea, using the head, before dumping it".

The victim has yet to be named, nor his body found.

"We're bracing ourselves for the remaining body parts to have been similarly converted into handy utensils," admitted McDonagh, sparking up his latest Winchester Light with the tip of his last. "Perhaps the legs might turn up as hollowed-out golf club holders, for instance."

Saturday, February 28, 2009

KALGOORLIE, W. AUSTRALIA: Human Brain's Bloody Rampage

Drinkers scattered from Hoon's Bar in this remote town Tuesday night, when Barry 'Bazza' Haines' brain burst out the top of his head, grew a pair of short, stubby legs and proceeded to cause havoc.

Recalls shaken barman Dobby Dunn: "I'd just given Bazza his twenty-eighth beer, according to the till receipts. Maybe all that drinking finally took its toll. His bloody brain was sick of it".

Before being captured and forcibly restrained by local police, Haines' brain managed a good ten minutes of charging around Kalgoorlie, taking flying kicks at small childen and 'brain-butting' old ladies. It also twisted the paws off a cat named Lucky.

Haines himself is being maintained in hospital, while doctors decide whether to reinstate his rowdy cerebellum.

"We all went down to see him last night," says barman Dunn. "He was laughing and joking, no different from normal, the stupid goose."

Friday, February 20, 2009

CAIRO, EGYPT: Man Eaten By Omelette

Cries of "Ohhhhhh!", "My God!" and "Shit!" rang out in the streets of Cairo this morning, when market trader Sahid Omar was eaten by the very food his customers used to love.

Our incredible picture shows Mr Omar happily preparing his latest masterpiece, mere seconds before the tragedy.

"There was the smell of cinnamon," recalls Louisiana tourist Michael Balls, "Which to me is a sign of evil. And sure enough, the guy's hand suddenly got sucked down into the omelette mixture he was preparing. When his shoulders and head followed suit, I'm not afraid to say I was shrieking my head off."

Chaos ensued as Mr Omar's pointy shoes finally vanished into the mixture. The 666 O'Clock News understands that Omar's wife has blamed a local supplies company for delivering bad eggs.

Monday, February 16, 2009

DUBLIN, IE: "I Didn't Vomit Porn," Insists Priest

A funeral at St Margaret's Church was thrown into controversial uproar Wednesday afternoon, when the officiating priest ran into physical difficulties.

Father Ronald O'Shea, 76, paused mid-way through a sermon for over 270 mourners, and bent double. Onlookers recall an "intense silence" as he began to cough violently, clutching his stomach.

Two mourners approached to assist, then recoiled as saliva-coated magazine pages emerged from the holy man's mouth.

"We were only three feet away," says would-be helper Patrick Brannigan. "It became immediately apparent that these were pages from a pornographic title."

Brannigan estimates that "around 20 whole magazines" hit the church floor, but were then quickly swept away by choirboys.

O'Shea later furiously denied that he had regurgitated indecent material. Accuser Brannigan was, however, publicly backed by many mourners - including 82-year-old Dolores Finlay, who had been sitting three rows from the front. "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be," she noted, "but I could clearly see a swollen glans on one of those pages."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

SEATTLE, WA: Scientist Creates Transparent Darkness

Donald Weinard, a rookie scientist, claims to have made a remarkable breakthrough in the field of light technology.

"It's a darkness that you can see through," he told fellow boffins at the recent Seattle Science Convention. "No longer will anyone need torches or similar light sources. August 2003's New York powercut would have been no problem if the city had been fitted with this stuff."

Greeted by a sea of sceptical faces, Weinard allowed 10 audience members 'backstage', to a special room he had set up.

Professor Hayden Auberge was among them. He tells The 666 O'Clock News: "We stood in this totally empty room, looking at Weinard for some time. To break the awkward silence, someone asked Weinard when he was going to demonstrate his so-called invention. He just grinned, looked around and said, 'I'm demonstrating it right now. This, gentlemen, is see-through darkness'. I immediately branded Weinard a fucknut."

While most of the scientists followed Auberge in disgustedly walking out, one stayed behind and is now working on the project with Weinard. The pair hope to have it on the market by 2012, with the tentative brand name Anti-Gloom.

We contacted Justin Hawkins, frontman with rockers The Darkness, for a quote. He patiently explained that The Darkness split years back, and that he now leads the band Hot Leg.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

GREENSBORO, NC: McDowell Stalked By Fruit

Actor Malcolm McDowell is being terrorised by an assortment of mechanical fruit - and he fears the worst is yet to come.

While McDowell himself has refused to discuss the campaign of fear orchestrated against him, his neighbour is unscrupulous. "When the first fruit appeared," he told The 666 O'Clock News, while pocketing the bucks, "Malc was in his back yard. It was an apple that kinda trundled in his general direction. He screamed and begged me for help. I tossed the guy a sledgehammer and he pulped it."

Matters returned to normal until the next day, when a wind-up banana appeared in McDowell's study. This time, he called the police, fearing it was a bomb.

Local detective Mark Mason told us: "Someone clearly holds a grudge against Mr McDowell. We need to know if anyone in the area looks suspicious while purchasing either fruit or mechanical parts."

So far, a grand total of seven fruit items have infiltrated McDowell's property. Says Mason: "We have realised they are appearing in alphabetical order. The last was a mango. Mr McDowell is understandably concerned about what might happen when we get to 'O'."

Sunday, February 8, 2009

BEIJING, CHINA: Exploding Monk Showers Crowd

Death swooped on China's capital city last night, when a monk broke his 15-year meditation in a deadly fashion.

Min Padgea had sat cross-legged in Kung Po Church for a decade and a half, in protest at the government's banning of pencil cases in schools. He had attracted a loyal horde of fans, some of whom were barely born when he commenced his ordeal.

Yet at 7.06pm last night, Padgea exploded, sending over 2000 inch-long pins hurtling towards anyone in the immediate vicinity.

Eleven people were killed instantly, while another three were cured of ills when the pins miraculously hit acupuncture-friendly spots.

Local detective Chow Yun Phat told us: "This is a terrible, terrible incident for those who died and also very mysterious. Our anagram expert Ram Gana has realised, however, that Min's name can be rearranged to spell 'pin damage'. A lot of people are kicking themselves in our office, let me tell you."