The United Nations kick-started the process of outlawing the baffling game, on grounds that it was actually a portal to another world.
"Our agents have been working on this conclusion for several years now," says Senator Ted Rushmore. "Backgammon has been involved in many cases which saw people either losing their minds, vanishing or bleeding from the legs."
Rushmore adds that backgammon boards were "actually oujja boards. If you peel off the innocent-looking top section of the game, it will reveal the alphabet, the 'yes', the 'no' and all of that stuff."
Not that owners of the game have long to investigate it. In the States, President Barack Obama has announced a Backgammon Amnesty, which will run until Halloween.
To find your local Amnesty Centre, dial 1-800-GIVE-IT-BACKGAMMON. After October 31, anyone found with the game in their home will be shot in their left eye.
"This may seem harsh," allowed Obama in a White House speech this morning, "but what would you rather have - your home infested by demons, or one eye? Actually, you don't need to have either. Come on, hand it back. The game was bullshit anyway."